5 Keys for Tending Your Well While Grieving or Doing Deep Emotional Work
I’ve been in Ireland for nearly two weeks now, and it’s been really wonderful. So many things I can’t put into words yet. My friend Rosalyn called it a pilgrimage when she heard. I hadn’t exactly thought of it like that until she said it, but truly, it has been just that.
My intention was to make a journey to be with the land of my Ancestors. I had no idea how much living culture I would meet, although so much has been lost as well, of course. And then there is the finding of the deep grief of how much I have been missing, simply by not being immersed in the land and culture here until now.
I was blessed to be with a group of women on the first part of my journey guided by Jen Murphy of Celtic Embodiment, keeper of Irish Mythology & Aoife Lodainn, who has been living in deep connection with the land & ancestral skills & these ways of knowing since she left her home in Dublin at 18.
My other primary intention of this journey was to realign my soul’s purpose, or my dán (pronounced “dawn” in gaeilge), in a way that brings bone level nourishment to my body, mind & spirit.
I’ve needed to do this, because my work with Dark Woods of Grief has grown so much in the past five years, and it has become a really beautiful thing – alive in its own right.
I’m deeply happy about the form it is currently living in. It feels so fulfilling to know we are helping literally hundreds of people every year to develop a healthier relationship with their grief.
AND…I’ve found myself deeply exhausted the past few months, and I know this means it is time to take a pause and listen deeply.
I’ve actually never done anything like this for myself, and without getting into the details, I have carried a heavy burden of many responsibilities throughout my life, rarely having the opportunity over the past 20 years to consider adventure or soul calling, outside of necessity.
To be truly transparent, some days recently, I’ve felt like I might be actually dying.
It has taken getting to that point to give myself this pilgrimage and deep rest.
And yet hardly anyone outside of me could even tell that I needed a break, until I began to speak it. I’ve been so good at wearing the mask of okay-ness.
I share this with you not to be seen and understood, but because I know how many of you reading this might be able to see yourselves in this reflection, in some way or another.
Recently, one of my students said to me, “I feel like I’ve been doing great – like functioning really well – throughout all of it, though,” in reference to a really difficult and grief-filled thing happening in her world recently.
I said, “Yes, but functioning well isn’t necessarily a measure of our internal well-being…”
She got teary and acknowledged that was absolutely true.
Particularly when it comes to grief, we live in a culture that celebrates rapid recovery, moving forward, and yes, how we ‘function,’ or ‘manage,’ through it.
Three days for bereavement leave.
“How are you holding up?” asked with hopeful eyes that want to hear “better.”
The subtle but persistent message that resilience looks like bouncing back, returning to productivity, getting on with life – and as quickly as possible.
And so many of us learn to function beautifully within these expectations. We show up to work, we make dinner, we answer emails, we even laugh at appropriate moments.
We become skilled at performing wellness while our inner landscape remains raw, tender, still learning how to exist in this new reality, and likely, also, deeply exhausted.
For those of us supporting others through grief, we might recognize this pattern intimately- both in our clients and, if we’re truly honest, in ourselves.
And yet, in the natural world, there’s no rushing the seasons of decay and regeneration. The forest floor doesn’t apologize for the time it takes to transform fallen leaves into rich soil. The ground stays frozen as long as it needs to before the first green shoots push through.
Our grief operates on similar principles. It has its own timing, its own seasons of active processing and necessary dormancy. Sometimes we need to function, of course – to work, to parent, to meet life’s demands – while simultaneously holding space for the deeper work of integration that happens in rest, in solitude, in the spaces between our doings.
Once again, I’ll yell it from the rooftops: Taking our time and needing lots of rest isn’t laziness or self-indulgence. It’s natural wisdom.
For me, I know this trip to my ancestral homeland is just a beginning, and I feel a kind of delicate perfection in knowing that I will be returning home to Turtle Island just before Samhain.
In Ireland, Samhain is also known as the Witches New Year, and the Return of the Calleiagh – the Grandmother who casts her cloak over the land and brings the storms of winter.
The legend says that on that night every one hundred years, she must go to the water in the pre-dawn time, and immerse herself before the first bird sings or the first dog barks, and she will be renewed to her youth once again.
Of course, for all of nature, Winter is a season of deep rest and reflection. For the human world, it is also a time of visioning and healing. And of course, in the human world, healing is not something that happens in one night, but over a long period of consistent rest, visioning and revisioning our lives and relationships.
The Calleaich by Laura Tempest Zakroff
So, what if we gave ourselves and those we support permission for the long view? Permission to function when we need to function, and rest when we need to rest.
What if we didn’t measure our wellness by how we show up in the world each day, but how we actually FEEL in our bodies & nervous systems?
Five Keys for Tending Your Energy While Grieving/Doing Deep Emotional Work
- Recognize that going through the motions of daily life while grieving is both often necessary for survival and different from thriving. Don’t lose sight of the fact that you deserve to thrive, and give yourself the gift of moving towards that when opportunities present.
- Understand that the energy it takes to function while grieving is enormous, leaving less available for other things (and that this is normal and okay). It’s good to ask for extra support when you’re grieving, and to receive that support when it comes. This can be enormously challenging if you have been a high-functioning ‘giver’ for most of your life.
- Know yourself, because nobody else can know what’s happening inside you and what you really need, unless you tell them. It’s okay to go against the grain and honour the pull toward stillness & quiet, even when the world suggests you should be “moving forward”
- Honour that some days you will need to take a break from all of it, and either numb out or just have some ridiculous fun. It’s okay to distract yourself sometimes!!! This is a part of pendulation…for more on that watch our No Way But Through Intro to Grief Work Session. (link)
- Create micro-moments of rest within ‘functioning’ days by doing things like simply breathing with a cup of tea, or laying down for 5 minutes with your legs elevated. Take bigger rest days or weeks when you can.
For the Grief Tenders
If you’re supporting others through loss, you might notice how often people apologize for not being “over it” yet. How they worry about taking too much time, needing too much space, feeling too much. How grateful they are if you can offer a space where you give them permission to simply be exactly as they are.
Your gentle witness to their natural rhythms is medicine. Your permission for them to function imperfectly while healing deeply is a radical act in a culture that pathologizes sustained grief.
And perhaps most importantly: this same compassion belongs to you. The depth of work you do, holding space for others’ pain, requires its own cycles of replenishment. Your own functioning doesn’t have to equal wellness either.
Reflections
Where in your life might you be confusing functioning with wellness? What would change if you honoured the difference?
Maybe it’s as simple as recognizing that getting through the day is enough. That rest isn’t earned through productivity but is a basic requirement for any living system processing change.
I’m learning along with you, and it’s also important to recognize that growth happens in spirals. We often keep coming back to the same patterns in our lives, and each time is an opportunity to deepen the spiral of wisdom and understanding.
This isn’t a problem to be solved- it’s a cycle to be honoured. The spiral of life – and the life-death-life cycle – is one that can teach us so much.
One last little story….
I rented a little Toyota Yaris ‘Luna’ Hybrid car for my second week here and drove to County Mayo (West Coast Ireland and home of most of my Ancestors), from Dublin (East).
It’s about a 3.5 hour drive.
Being a newer car, it has all kinds of little prompts it comes up with on the dashboard. Mostly things like, “check tire pressure,” and “close doors” etc.
Humorously and sweetly, after I’d been driving for about 2.5 hours, it prompted me, (I’m not kidding about this)…”Would you like to take a rest?” with an image of a steaming mug of tea.
I thought to myself, wow, the Universe really planned this one for me!!! About half an hour later it prompted me again, and I noticed, indeed, I was actually feeling quite sleepy.
I decided to listen to my body. Maybe it isn’t just about ‘getting there’…let’s pause for 20 minutes…?
I pulled off the highway and had a delicious nap beside someone’s farm field, with the sun beaming in the windows.
I slept for over an hour, and then carried on feeling deeply relaxed and rejuvenated, and just in time for a beautiful sunset walk.
Maybe it isn’t just about ‘getting there,’ but about how we tend to ourselves and others along the journey.
What do you think?
What’s alive in you as you read this? I’d love to hear how this lands, whether you’re tending grief professionally or personally (or both). Comment below and let me know what resonates.
With love & gratitude,
Josea